not move.

for now at least.  i still dont drive and i dont plan on it any time soon so for today and right now, i am not moving.

today is my 3-year anniversary with my boyfriend.  sometimes it feels like forever.  i love him though.  he is a great guy.  yay for us.

Current Mood: happy

i am a feminist.  go die if you aren't.  i'll give you some rope if you need, i'm out of razor blades.

peace.

oh today.  today i feel like laying in bed all day, watching ghost hunters, eating taquitos, and finishing stone butch blues.   i am very into this book, i love it.  it makes me very sad a lot of times, but i can put faces to jess and the people around her in various situations.  i feel like it is helping me to understand queer things better.

yesterday, i watched, 'but, i'm a cheerleader,' loved it.  i just loved it.  i am going to buy it for my sister.

i have a crush on my tranny teacher.  i love her.  i really do.  this wierds me out a little.

i love my fem theory class and all the people in it.  yes, all of them.  they are amazing even though they sometimes annoy me and have sometimes been mean to me.

i have so much damn halloween candy left.  im so mad that i only got two trick-o-treaters.  what happened to all those fricken kids i see playing in the parking lot from the trailer park across the street?

halloween was so fun.  i finished my paper that i am not happy with.  and i got to go out for one hour.  whoo.

my hair is in a ponytail, i have a headache kinda, maybe that is what's causing it?

i ate spaghetti for lunch and now have bad gas. 

we mad tenpura last night, the asparagus made my pee smell so so gross, i hate it.

i slept very well last night, i love sleep.  i want to sleep now.

move.

i am moving.  most likely to seattle,wa.  nothing is set in stone yet.  the only thing that is for certain is that i am moving.  ive been in arizona for over four years.  im ready for a change. i know for sure i do not want to live here.  i considered it to stay close to russ but i have come to realize that for once in my life, i need to put me before my relationship.  i've had a boyfriend since i was 17, i am now 22.  jumping from one relationship to another.  mostly because i was so insecure.  i felt like i needed a man to love me to feel fulfilled.  i guess you could say i didn't really love myself.  now, i love me.  i have changed a lot in the last five years, i have changed a lot in the last six months.  i am growing up.  some of the people in my life are growing too, others, they are in the same place they have always been.  hopefully they will allow growth in their lives soon. 


i love my boyfriend.  he is a great guy, any of you who have met him would know this.  but i have come to realize that maybe we have grown apart and the love we have for each other has been the glue that has kept things going.  with my moving i do not see it working out between us.  i need more.  i need a light at the end of the tunnel.  i also need to concentrate on me before us.  it isnt selfish, it is practical and realistic.  i have become a practical person over the years.  i know a break up is inevitable but as i remember, they SUCK.  i dont want to deal.  but when is a good time to deal with a breakup?  Are we ever really ready to break up?  Especially when there really isn't anything wrong with the relationship except that you have grown up and apart from one another.  this dilema is driving me crazy.  i want to be single to explore my life options, but i am afraid.  i dont want to make the wrong decision.  i dont want to fail.  i feel like either way it will be hard, i need to think but i find myself not having the time to do this.  too many other things are going on. 

i have these.

Current Mood: groggy

we used to be friends.  the best of.  but you have pushed me away.  so far, that i feel we will never have the same relationship that we used to.  a part of me feels that i dont even want you in my life.  a big part of me actually.  you choose to lie.  you lie about everything you do and expect me to okay with that.  if we were really friends, you wouldnt do that to me.  you wouldnt make me lie for you.  you wouldnt use me.  i used to enjoy spending time with you, just watching tv or going to dinner weekly.  but you have pushed me away.  you chose to spend all your free time with this other person, and none with me.  when we would hang out, i felt like you were doing it as an obligation, not because you really wanted to.  i dont know you anymore.  the more truth comes out the more i know that you need help.  i am too exhausted to help you anymore.  i wont do it.  i shouldve gotten paid for the shit i had to put up with.  im over it. im over you. im over our friendship.  there is no friendship.  our time is up.

Current Mood: numb

How did you spend summers when you were a kid?

my sister and i used to go the summer fun up the street from our house during the days.  but, we got ukus like 4 times so my mom decided we wouldnt go there anymore.  other than that, i remember going to the beach with grandma on her days off and other times staying home and watching tv or playing with my younger siblings.  we were home alone, my mom worked 5 minutes from our house and i was old enough to babysit the younger ones.  since we were home alone, we werent allowed to play outside till my dad came home around 1ish.  not too bad.  but when you are a little kid, being locked up in the house on a sunny day was the worst.  when my dad was home, we would help with yard work and play with the sprinklers on a tarp, our ghetto slip-n-slide, but still lots of fun.  ahh, i miss those days.  my only responsibility was to make sure my brother and sisters didnt get hurt or break anything and make sure they get fed.  in the days of VHS, we used to vote on what we would watch.  or play school. we also liked playing board games.  we always could keep each other occupied.

Current Mood: peaceful

If you won $100 this afternoon, what would you do with it?

I would take my friends to sushi or to la fonda's and use left over money to buy pretty shoes.

Current Mood: cheerful

Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you dont see me

Daddy gave me a name
My dad he gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name

Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
I just closed my eyes
And the world disappeared
Father of mine
Tell me how do you sleep
With the children you abandoned
And the wife I saw you beat

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame
Now Im a grown man
With a child of my own
And I swear Im not going to let her know
All the pain I have known

i feel like this song accurately describes how i feel about my "father".  he helped conceive me, but he had nothing to do with me after that.  i have a lot i want to say to him, but i dont know how.  i dont know if he will care.  i dont know how i will feel afterwards.  im really stuck on this subject if you couldnt tell.  most times i dont think about him at all, other times, i think about him a lot as a father and a person and i get really sad.  i feel like, why didnt he want me or my sister but he wanted his other children with his wife?  dont get me wrong, i am glad he has been there for them even though he hasnt been there for us, but at the same time, i feel, if them, then why not us?  my sister had given up on him forever ago, i remember, i was 9 and she was 8.  she made a decision to stop visiting him (visits that were arranged by his wife where we would spend most of our visit with her and her family instead of him).  my half sister that he had with my step-mom was born on christmas.  they would always want us to go over there for christmas although we rarely saw them any other time.  my mom and dad (step-dad who raised my sister and i as equals to his children he had with my mother and is a true father and great man) and brother and sister hated it when we went and my sister would get really sad and want to go with us.  so we stopped going.  christmas is a time for family, and family, he never was. 

one day when i get married, my true father, tracy, the man my mother married, who adopted my sister and i, who raised us as his own, who has been understanding when we wanted to have our bio-father in our lives, who has never given up on us, who has just loved us for who we are, he will walk me down the aisle and give me away.  i will dance with him the father/daughter dance.  he will be who my potential children call papa.  he will be the one i call when i am having a hard time because he always knows what to say to make me calm.  he will be the one who will say, "it's going to be ok babygirl" with sincerity and honesty and i will believe that to be the truth.  when a guy breaks my heart, he will mend it by telling me why i am better off and offer to beat his ass, he has and forever will try to embarass me all in good fun, he has told me when i was wrong and helped me back on my feet.  he is my real father.  the only father i have known.  i think it is because of him that for the most part, i am able to not think about the sperm donor.  my replacement father is better than the "real" one in every way that i almost never have time to remember that the sperm donor even exists.  i love my dad, he is the best dad ever.

Current Mood: happy

despite the fact that i called my mom on saturday and she never called me back and it is now monday, i now know what is bugging her.  she is being over worked and is working through injuries.  she is also going to look for another job that doesnt require her to do heavy lifting.  im still sad that she doesnt call me....

Current Mood: gloomy

i am finally moving out the dorms.  FREEDOM.  it is so very sweet.  i have lived in the same dorm room, alone, for 2 1/2 years.  i just finished my fourth year, i think it is time to make the move off campus.  after freshman year, all of my friends moved off campus.  i never thought of it as a big deal, and it really didnt matter to me, but i was okay with staying on campus. 

im moving into a 4 bedroom set-up apartment.  i get my own room and bathroom.  i share a kitchen and living room with other women.  i am looking forward to this.

i will be going to hawaii in about 2 weeks.  i miss my family a lot.  i cant wait to see them all.  the downer is that my family is no longer living in our family home of 13 years, so this will be a little wierd.  also, my sister has been living with our paternal grandmother and my parents and brother have been staying with a family friend.  so i am going to be bouncing between my maternal grandmother's house and my god-mother's house.  yay for fun in the sun and maitais!

i may be getting a cat.  i have mild to moderate allergies to furry things, it seems dogs more than cats.  next week, i am going to see my doctor to be referred to a specialist so that they can test my allergies and let me know what i can do.  i have my heart set on a beautiful 5 year old cat named lola.  she is gorgeous.  for some reason, her owners are getting rid of her.  i hope my allergies can be controlled and that it will work out so that i can adopt her.

i start my fifth year this fall, i will be taking all women studies courses.  yes!

yea.  that is what is going on in the month to come. im very excited for it all.

Current Mood: blah

What the fuck does this mean? 

Current Mood: angry

When I say that I am a feminist, I mean that I believe women are equal to men.  "Equal rights, does not mean, special rights".  As a woman, I demand that I get the same treatment as a man.  I demand that my competence is not determined by how big my boobs are or how short my skirt is.  I demand that I am taken seriously.  "If you feel attacked by feminism, it is probably a counter attack".  I demand that no one assume that because I am a woman that I want to get married and have children.  I demand that I get the respect I deserve as a person.  When I say I am a feminist, this does not mean that I am anti-man.  I believe that working WITH men is essential to the progression of the feminists movement.  Feminism is not only for women, it is for everyone. 

When I say that I am pro-choice, I mean that I support a women's right to choose.  This does NOT mean that I am pro-abortion.  If a women's right to choose ends with an abortion, that is her choice, and I support her reproductive rights. 

When I say that I am anti-institutional marriage, I mean that marriage has become a big joke, if it wasn't always.  Young women have become obsessed with the romantic ideas associated with marriage.  The lavish wedding with 6 brides maids and an expensive dress and a rock that could break your arm.  Having someone to call your "husband".  I am anti-institutional marriage because it is patriarchal, sexist, and heterosexist.  I dare you to look up every marriage tradition.